If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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