I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
