During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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