What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
