my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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