just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
