I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
