Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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