your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
