I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
