turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
