I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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