I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
