I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
