I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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