Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
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My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
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Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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