you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
the raccoons are back...
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