I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
