I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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