she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
