I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
