so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
