I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
