his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
