The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
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My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
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I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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