Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I am midnight drunk by noon
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
