...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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