He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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