I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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