I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
