I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
