the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
