if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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