I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Randomize
