he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
