; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
