Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
