Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize