My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
