I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
