Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
