I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
