oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
