When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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