I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
