Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
