Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
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Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
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I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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