The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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