There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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