she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
