You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
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She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
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There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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