so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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