from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
