I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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