the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
