Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
