I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
