you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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