i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Drake has all the answers
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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