I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
