Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
