Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
