I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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