We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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